It is probably the most important talk you will have with your teenage kid. And it is also one of the most delicate subjects to touch upon. Your teen is undergoing a rapid change both, physically as well as mentally and at this time he/she needs you the most, both, as a friend to confide in and as a guide to be able to see the right path.
Your talks, at this crucial age, you can give your child a healthy, positive and a respectful view of human intimacy that can stand up to all the rubbish that will come by way of movies, magazines, web and above all the peer pressure.
The more parents avoid and delay talking sex to their teens, the more the child will look at other options to feed his curiosity. Instead, parents must be able to talk about sex in a positive way in the sense that their voice can outweigh that of the other pressure groups that the child may be exposed to, including his friends.
Sex talk is never easy. But research has it that teens who talk to their parents about sex are more likely to delay their first sexual encounter and to practice safe sex when they do become sexually active, than those who do not speak about such topics at home.
But very often parents do not know from where to begin and this keeps them from talking sex and sexuality to their kids. As Mrs. Gandhi, a mother of a teenage daughter, admits, “It's difficult to broach the topic of sex, as your kids look at you like you're crazy. But it's important because a good interaction will make my daughter a better decision maker in relation to these matters”.
Some basic things in mind, and you are set to broach the topic with your teens…
- Make them comfortable and be a good listener
Parents need to take the child into confidence, so that the child feels safe and comfortable in saying what he feels. Parents need to be good listeners, so that the child feels important and understood. Until you listen to them, you cannot expect them to listen to you. Starting with something like, “I want us to be able to talk about anything -- including sex -- so please come to me if you have any questions. And if I don't know the answer, I'll find out”, will break the ice between you two.
Teenagers normally have high curiosity pertaining to sex and lovemaking, most often due to peer pressure, and exposure to media. And this is the age they are exploring and discovering new things and their bodies are undergoing changes. Hence, this is the right time, to talk about matters pertaining to sex and sexuality, so that they understand it better. A child will never initiate talks about sexuality, with his/her parent, due to fear, embarrassment and even discomfort. But parents proactively have to bring up the topic, either by way of talking about a related advertisement on TV, or sex education in school, or even about the child’s friends of the opposite sex.
Teenagers must be taught the importance and significance of emotions including love, care, concern, oneness, and responsibility involved in sexual relationships. And they must develop healthy attitudes toward sex and learn responsible sexual behavior.
The child must understand that sex extends beyond the physical act of intercourse with another person and it’s a matter of the heart and does not begin and end in bedrooms as they see in movies. Children are often influenced by what they see on screen, on web and in magazines. And they then form ideas accordingly. However, parents need to draw the line between the real and the reel.
At an age, when teens are at their most vulnerable, merely spending time, chatting and hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex, can lead to sexual connotations. It is at such times, that teens must understand the importance of friendships and the difference between love and friendships, and that sex is not something as casual.
- Respect towards the opposite sex
Respect for the opposite sex must be inculcated in both sons and daughters from an early age. For instance, boys must be told that they must not consider girls as weaker, rather their equals. And this kind of equality must be practiced at home by parents, so that children learn better and understand the importance. Also, things like why, boys and girls change so much physically as they grow, must be explained so that teens are clear in these concepts and they are better able to understand things.
- Talk about physical changes
Your teens are undergoing rapid changes in their bodies, and this is the time when they need your counseling the most to understand what they are going through and how to handle it. They might get frightened and confused by the sudden changes their bodies begin to go through as they reach puberty. To help stop any anxiety, talk with your kids not only about their current stage of development but about the next stage, too. As per the age, Parents need to talk about topics as varied as the way women become pregnant, how to use condoms and birth control, as well as issues around homosexuality.
- Communicate family values
Every family has an unwritten moral code, which is ingrained in its roots, and is passed down to successive generations. Parents need to talk to teens, and tell them what is culturally and morally acceptable and that which is not.
Once parents have instilled the right values and interpretation of sexual matters, the child knows what path to take ahead, and can then make informed decisions.
Openly discussing sex with your child also enables you to provide accurate information. What they learn elsewhere might not be true, and might not reflect the personal and moral values and principles you want your child to follow.
Sex talks must not be treated as one uncomfortable discussion. In fact, it should be an on-going dialogue, between kids and parents, to make things easier and to take pressure off the situation. This way, there are many instances and situations, wherein parents can hold interesting discussions with kids, know what they are going through, understand their point of view, and try to provide solutions to their problems.
Experts also say that parents should discuss certain issues with their children at age-appropriate times, and that the discussion should evolve as children mature. For instance, a 14-year-old will look at sex very differently than a 18-year-old.
Finally, once if you start the conversation, they you will find it easier to carry on and talk on varied sex related topics that might be important for your teen to know at that age. So, use any excuse you want, but just break the ice and start talking to your kids, because it's really important that you talk to your child before everyone else does.
