Sameer‘s and Priya’s marriage is a 'match made in heaven’ said everyone who saw them together. Both of them were together since their college. With similar backgrounds and common interests they soon found out that they were perfect for each other and married as soon as they were out of college. Sadly the marital bliss that they expected after the wedding did not materialize. There were problems in the paradise….
So what was the problem in their relationship?
Sameer and Priya’s likes and dislikes matched on all aspects except one which is an important aspect in any marriage, Sex. Even with a compatible couple like Sameer and Priya there were many differences in their sexual expectations and behaviors, which led to their sexual incompatibility.
What causes sexual incompatibility?
Sexual incompatibility has a lot to do with family background, beliefs, childhood and experience. If the individual, especially female has been taught to believe that sex is something dirty and perverted, she will carries those beliefs into her marriage which in turn will end up affecting her sex life and eventually her marriage too.
Another reason for sexual incompatibility is discrepancies in the sex drive of either partner i.e One partner may have a low sex drive as compared to the other and won’t be interested in having sex regularly. Sexual Incompatibility problems arise when an low sex drive individual has a partner with a high sex drive, who feel hurt and unloved on refusal of sex and vice versa. These issues soon take over the other positive aspects of the marriage and the couple’s relationship suffers.
Sexual incompatibility is also a result of different ‘tastes’ and openness to experimentation. If one partner finds an idea exciting and the other finds it repelling, there is a bound to be a struggle in the sex life.
How to deal with sexual incompatibility?
Though sexual incompatibility comes in the way of a happy and healthy sex life, it is not something that cannot be overcome. Sex counselors say that many of the divorces that are caused due to sexual incompatibility can be prevented by sex counseling and from some efforts on the couple’s part.
Communicate
The key to resolving any problem in a relationship is by acknowledging that it exists and then talking about it. Once the problem comes out in the open there is hope for it to get resolved. Couples should start with an honest one- to-one chat about their concerns. During this conversation, each of the partners has to listen to what the other has to say, as after listening to each other’s point of view without opposition, there will be a better understanding amongst the couple.
Don’t Blame
When you start communicating, try to put your point of view across without accusing, criticizing or hurting each other. The whole point of the exercise is to solve the matter rather than making it worse. Focus on the ‘we’ rather than the ‘me’. Show that you care about each other by making sincere efforts.
Be open
Remember to be open and understanding when your partner expresses a fantasy or an idea. Even if it doesn’t match your taste, treat it with respect. Explore the subject with open mind and see if you can agree to try it without rejecting it right at the start.
Do it for the other
Taking the thought forward, once you know what your partner likes and needs, try to do it for him or her. Let their pleasure take a priority for once and see how you feel. When the other partner sees you making efforts, he or she will do the same and you will reach a middle ground.
Work on intimacy
Being romantic never fails to bring love back in a relationship. Write letters or bring thoughtful gifts, go for romantic dinners and talk. By spending more time with each other and giving the relationship priority over other things, you will strengthen the relationship and grow closer making it easier to overcome sexual incompatibility.
Fix it
It is advisable for those couples who have differences in sex drives, which leaves both the partners, hurt, to try this method of fixing a day for sex. No, it will not make things boring but give space to work things out. This way even if one partner makes romantic gestures, they will not be misread as a demand for sex and the other partner will not feel pressurized to have sex. The anticipation for sex will also make the sex life more interesting.
Seek help
If you both feel that in spite of all the efforts both of you seem to reach no common grounds; seek help from counselors or therapists before things get worse. Make this last ditch effort to salvage your relationship before you give up and decide to separate. Remember when you are seeking help, be sincere in your efforts and really look to save the relationship.
Sameer and Priya chose to work things out, as they found out that even with love marriages; marriage is never easy, but with love and sincere efforts by both the partners’, things can always be sorted out…
This fairy tale had a happy ending with both of them living happily ever after! ……
