It is a typical Friday evening; Raj is at the bar with a group of friends. He is just finishing off the drink in hand. It is almost time to leave and he watches as a couple from his group gets cozy, probably creating the groundwork for an amazing sex filled night ahead. Raj, wishes he had someone to spend the night with too but someone whom he didn’t have to end up in a relationship with! His eye falls on Divya, a single friend from his group who’s sitting a few feet away. There was always chemistry between the two of them. But neither can be in a relationship with the other. Is this the perfect kind of situation where Raj can ask Divya if she was interested in a ‘friends with benefits’ union? Would it be too inappropriate?
How many of us have asked ourselves these kinds of questions? We are not the commitment kind but simply want the sex. What do we do? Look around of someone who is likeminded and ready to get into a ‘friend with benefits’ relation.
Let us first understand what ‘friends with benefits’ means
A ‘friends with benefits’ (FWB) situation is one where two friends decide to add a sexual equation to their already existent friendship. It is purely about the physicality and the sex. There are no strings attached, no commitment, no relationship as such except the sexual outlet.
Umm, is that really possible?
In an Indian society the idea of FWB is fairly a new one. So how open people will be to the concept is the tricky part. Not all single friends may be willing to get into such kind of an arrangement as in our society the idea of casual sex brings with it guilt, fear of emotions, etc.
Here are a few questions you need to answer to yourself before you get into it –
- Are you ready for only the sex? And you are sure you can handle that it is only about the sex? There will be no romance, nothing lovey-dovey about it, no cuddling, etc.
- Are you sure you won’t get your emotions involved? Are you strong enough to not involve feelings or emotions in the
agreement? You sure the physical contact will not get you wanting more emotionally?
- Are you ready to risk the friendship? It is possible that over a period of time either of you might have second thoughts, or might develop feelings. In such a case there is a high possibility that the friendship itself may get ruined. If your friendship is beautiful in itself you might want to re-think.
- Are you aware it is not long term? Any way you look at it, the relation will be short lived. There is no long term commitment to each other. After a point of time either one of you will find someone else, fall in love, simply get bored of the agreement, or find it not feasible anymore.
- Have you thought of the basic rules? The agreement comes with a set of rules different for different arrangements. Right from things like whether dinners are included to whether spending the night is an option, or what acts are not included, etc. These ground rules need to be laid down.
Excited men vs. wary women, take a moment please!
For men – Sure this sounds like some fantasy you have had but…
On the plus side:
- You get to have the sex
- There are no strings attached.
- No relationship or emotional baggage.
Calm down, the drawbacks: (What is still expected of you)
- Things could get messy and emotional crap may enter from your side or hers.
- You are still expected to treat the woman with respect.
- She is not your personal sex toy.
- There is still basic wooing and flirting that would be expected in spite of the ‘sex only’ understanding. A woman is aroused first by such subtle techniques. If you simply jump to the act she will be turned off.
- Don’t act needy, desperate or horny. Even though it is only the sex you still need to be appealing with a good amicable personality.
- Approach her with subtlety and dignity; don’t just throw the idea on her face!
For women – It need not be something that you have to run away from
On the plus side:
- It can act as a good sexual outlet
- If you are not ready to settle down or commit to anyone yet, this could be a very suitable arrangement.
- There are no strings attached.
But, the drawbacks: (Especially for the emotional ones)
- You may end up getting involved emotionally.
- You could feel guilty or cheap because it is only a physical relationship.
- Risk of an unwanted pregnancy may be there as protection is not 100%.
Both partners need to sit down and have a discussion about what your respective expectations are and what your needs are. Accordingly all inhibitions can be cleared and ground rules can be set. If you both are on the same wavelength you can go ahead with the idea.
Keep in mind
There are some things that, being in no more than a sexual relationship, you must take care of.
- Use a condom – Always use a condom. It will prevent unwanted pregnancies and the spread of STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). Better safe than sorry because this is not a loving, committed relationship.
- Indulge only if Single – This is definitely not an option for a person already in a relationship. If you are only interested in a FWB arrangement or casual sex do break it off with your committed partner or inform him\her.
- Either partner in FWB can say ‘NO’ – There is no compulsion to the sex. Either partner has the option to say no if not in the mood, or whatever reason. The sex has to be consensual to both parties.
- Multiple partners need to be informed of – If you are sleeping with someone else too, the partner needs to be aware. You may lay that down in your ground rules. Not due to any possessive motive but so that you can be careful of contracting any disease, etc.
What can go wrong?
There are many factors that can make an arrangement like FWB go wrong. Some of the few are:
- Guilt
- Getting emotional
- Sex is not completely fulfilling
- Feel rejected, violated or cheap
- Someone may find out and judge you
You need to think a lot before considering such kind of arrangements. Other than your own emotional considerations you also, unfortunately, have to think about your family, the society, etc. and decide whether it is feasible or not. After taking time out and considering all the possible goof ups, the complications, ground rules, if you finally feel it is an accomplishable feat, go ahead. There is no harm in having a good, healthy albeit only sexual relation.
