Crying in the middle of the night, nap times during the afternoons, nursery rhymes in place your hit songs, you get used to so many things after having kids. Another change that you get used to is the changing dynamics in your relationship and the lack of ‘intimacy’. From being husband and wife you now have become mama and dada and find yourself wondering where your ‘sex life’ gone.
Here is what is eating away your sex life:
Exhaustion
There are no breaks when motherhood is concerned; there are not even fixed working hours. Waking up many times, changing nappies, completing household duties all cause tiredness and fatigue to plague new mothers.
In households where both the spouses work, there is little time to even look at each other before falling off to the sleep. In such cases, sex doesn’t even feature in the ‘must dos’. ‘Sleep’ is what tops the list.
No Sharing of duties
There are so many things that change after kids but the household duties remain the same. The new mother is still the wife and the daughter- in- law, so the responsibilities just add up. In India, after coming from her parents place to your house to joining office back - it can all be overwhelming for a new mother.
Barring a few exceptions, life for fathers doesn’t change much. They leave the home in the same time and return at the same time and have the Sundays to themselves. With little change to their life, ‘no sex’ affects them more than women.
Hormonal changes
There are a lot of hormonal changes that women go through after child birth. Prolactin, the hormone which causes the breasts to produce milks also causes the sex drive in women to almost disappear. Even Progesterone levels which increase during pregnancy takes women off sex.
Low estrogen leads to painful intercourse which might put women off from sex. Also episiotomy or surgical incision during child birth leads to difficulty during sex.
Normally six months after delivery, the hormonal levels become normal and women should get their sexual drive back.
Parental Sacrifice
It is very easy for parents to put the child before everything. It is required to some extent, but the child should not become reason for the rift between partners.
Every time you don’t talk to you husband or wife because you are too tired, you are giving the signal that you and your partner’s time is over. Some parents are so paranoid about parenting that they cease to exist as a couple.
So much for the reasons, now the ways to deal with the problem,
Night outs
Not the ones you had with the friends, we just mean that decide a day when you both will put the best dress on as during your courting days and enjoy ‘your time’. Persuade your friend/sister/mother to take care of the kids for few hours while you take the ‘break’ you need.
This time will only be dedicated to both of you. Talk to each other, for few hours focus only on your partner. Also play a game that you will not talk about your kid. Spending this time together and will really warm you two up for those intimate moments later on.
Bed Habits
As soon as your kids are old enough, start preparing them to sleep separately. Tell them how they have become old enough to sleep alone and light a small bulb to assure them. At first, they will resist and make a fuss, but very soon they will adjust to this.
It not only gives them independence, it gives both of you privacy. If there is a shortage of space, you could at least make them sleep on a different mattress along with their siblings or grandparents.
Push, nudge
No, we are not talking about a pillow fight. Allow each other to say if you are in the mood or no, but give each other the leverage to push for it. If one of you is tired, other can just nudge to reconsider. Give each other massages; make each other comfortable and there is no reason you can’t be back in action.
Cuddle, Snuggle
A little affection can go a long way in bringing back the love in your life. Whenever you are too tired to do it, at least make sure you tell each and show that you still love each other. This will make sure that you are not feeling unloved because of lack of sex.
Quality not Quantity
It doesn’t depend on how much you do it but how good it is. Once in awhile, forget the responsible parent roles and return to the care free couple mode. Shower each other with gifts and compliments and plan something special. Sleeping 20 minutes later than usual will not affect your schedule much but will make a huge difference to your sex life.
