We hear it all the time. We see soap plots around it and read it across the newspapers. That men cheating on their spouses or their girlfriends is known since time immortal. So what is it that makes men more likely to stray than women? Is it hardwired in their brains not to be loyal to their partners or are they weak as a gender to resist temptation or are they plain stupid? It is the last option that we think, when men like Tiger Woods who are successful, wealthy; with a great family, gamble it all, for one night of pleasure on in his case, nights of pleasures…
We were stuck with the same question of why men cheat and tried to understand the reasons-
Is it genes? Evolution??
The theory of evolution dictates that the stronger ones will preside over the weak ones. It meant that men and women who were most attractive therefore with strongest genes would seek other attractive mates to ensure that their genes were passed on. So many believe that since women can only reproduce for a certain number of years and would be responsible for carrying the child for 9 months and caring for it, it made cheating less tempting for them. Men on the other hand had little to lose with cheating; they could spread the genes around and not even have to fend for all of their kids, which made them more likely to stray.
Another theory says that since men were hunters (while women gatherers), they are programmed to take risks. In the modern times of working in offices, even though the risk of hunting has disappeared, one night stands or extra marital affairs may seem like risks they must take.
There is also a study which shows that men with a variant gene have greater chances of marital discord and are more likely to cheat on their partners than those who did not posses it. This study conducted by Karolinska Institute in Stockholm showed that the gene called as ‘allele’ which regulated hormone vasopressin, present in 1 out of 5 males, shows this trait.
Naah! It is lack of constraint
Does that mean men are not to be blamed but it is their hormones or genes which make them cheat? – The answer is NO. Even with the strong need to be sexually attracted to opposite sex, humans are known to have a largely developed brain and we are known to resist stronger temptations, then why would saying ‘no’ to sexual advance be impossible? Marriage therapist M. Gary Neuman in a report says that though the hormone allele makes men more prone to cheating, it doesn’t determine it, "So you can't ever say you're genetically pre-determined to cheat” he concludes.
Some of the reasons Why Men cheat? (Women Read: Excuses, Excuses and Excuses…)
1# Emotional Disconnect
We assume that if men cheat it must be because of sex. But according to a survey conducted by Marriage therapist M. Gary Neuman, the primary reason why men cheat is ‘emotional issues.’ Surprising since we thought lust is the sole thing on men’s mind when they cheat. Out of 100 men who cheat they found that 48 citied it was emotional issues as opposed to 8 who said sex.
So women need to look into their relationship and ask themselves if their relationship is as fulfilling as they want it to be. They need to talk to each other and get the emotional issues sorted out before it gets out of control.
2# Variety
Some men find love but can’t get enough of sex. Loving just one woman doesn’t satisfy their appetite and many of them cheat in spite being in happy relationships. No wonder there are many cases of husbands straying even though they have gorgeous wives (Jesse James, Tiger Woods and Brad Pitt)…
3# She isn’t attractive to him anymore
A few years into the marriage and it is not the same anymore. Working in their homes and offices, their wives and girlfriends stop making attempts to look attractive. With kids and other things on the mind, they gain weight, start dressing down, even reducing times they have sex. Many men feel dissatisfied and start looking for sex outside marriage during these times…mid life crisis on the way.
4# Massages their Egos
Cheating sometimes can be matter of ego. Having sex with multiple partners may make men feel good about themselves. The fact that many women find them attractive makes them cheat.
5#“She doesn’t understand”
Men often cheat citing reasons like “She doesn’t understand me anymore”. Rather than solving the issues or even breaking up, finding another partner seems easy to them.
For such men unless they work on their intimacy issues, relationships won’t work.
6# “She nags”
Some men escape into the arms of another woman, tired and frustrated by their own wives’ constant nagging. So tired are they of being told what they do wrong, they may cheat to prove a point, get even or to feel loved. A relationship when one partner drives another to be unfaithful is difficult to save.
Only when both the parties talk and decide to put their relationship before them, will it work.
7# It’s the thrill
For some men, the thrill of having an extra marital affair is too much to resist. They get a high of living dangerously and taking risks. Until they get caught, these men cannot stop. This is no comfort for the woman who they have affair with either, since it just for the thrill that they are doing it….
8# Because he can…
Research shows that men who are in powerful positions and who are wealthy are more likely to cheat than other men. Women are attracted to men who are in power and men like to use their power to lure other women. Even wives of such men allow these affairs to go unnoticed as long as they are not open to public.
9# Being unsatisfied
So men are just not satisfied with their sex lives, either their wives or girlfriends are denying them sex or not having it as frequently as they want. Sometimes unwillingness and unpleasant opinions of one partner about sex may completely put a stop to sex in many couples. Having unfulfilled libidos, these men look for sex outside…
Talking openly about sex and being on the same line with your partner is essential if you want to have happy sex life. Also seeking sex out of marriage just because you are unsatisfied is a bad excuse to cheat!
10# “It’s just Sex”
How many times have you seen men saying this line to their wives on the TV? After they are found out, men often come with this ingenious line saying that the relationship outside is completely physical and that they still love their wives. They claim that they were overcome with desires and it was temporary loss of constraint.
Whether their partners should believe this excuse is upto to them to decide but men need to understand that cheating is not justified. The moment they breach the confidence of their partners whether through having physical relationships or sharing emotional stuff, they are cheating.
Their wives need to understand that by cheating men are disrespecting them and their relationship. If they couldn’t resist temptation once how do you ensure that they would resist it in the future?
So what to do?
For Women:
- Just because he is more likely to stray doesn’t mean you get suspicious and try to keep him on a leash, this will cause disharmony in your relationship. Build a foundation of trust and give him space.
- If your husband or boyfriend has cheated and you have found out, it is a big shock so give yourself time to figure things out - whether or not you will forgive him or if you can trust him in the future, is the relationship worth the trouble and if he has really repented? There is no one else who can answer these questions for you; you need to come up with the answers yourself.
- If you or your partner has strayed, it tells about your relationship. When both the partners are on the same page regarding; matters of trust, intimacy, the status of their relationship and what is acceptable and what is not; neither of them will even think about cheating…
For Men:
- Being emotionally or physically unsatisfied is not an excuse to cheat, in fact nothing is a good enough reason to cheat. Stop lying to yourself or justifying your actions. Either decide to be faithful or break off the relationship.
- Cheating is not just having sex with someone other than your partner; it is sharing of intimate things and allowing a stranger to enter in between you and your partner.
- If you are doing it just for sex, ask yourself if it is worth it? Will you risk losing everything you have wanted for a momentary desire?
While talking about why men cheat, we need to remember that not all men cheat, some men are known to stay faithful no matter what the temptation and even when there is no risk that they would get caught. Also it is to be remembered that women cheat as well. The easy access to internet, attractive colleagues and sexual freedom ensures that there is plenty of temptation out there for both the sexes, but whether you allow yourself to be tempted and still refuse or go ahead, is a choice that you have to make.
